Escribed From Ennui….

I think one of the main things that continue to hold me back in life is my inability to live in the moment. Now when I say this, I’m not talking about following a flash of a whim which ultimately amounts to nada (e.g. spending cash you shouldn’t), but rather living in the moment to affect one’s overall future. I spend a lot of time – too much fucking time – thinking about the person I want to be… the kind of life I want to live. Now being idealistic and having aspirations is certainly admirable; but without the necessary implements and actions that allow dreams to materialise, manifest as cast-iron realities, you may as well be a fucking nihilist.

That’s my trouble – being too much of a thinker, a dreamer… and not enough of a DOER!! I feel my high-minded philosophies are severely out of congruence with who & where I am RIGHT NOW. I mean….I want to hold my head up and be truly independent; yet I do very little to change my entrenched behavioural patterns and transcend my restrictions. What is it that stops me? Financial malaise? Fear of failure? Social anxiety? Paralysis through analysis? All of these in fact! I need to break the stagnant programming which, day by day, widens the gaping rift between the person I am and that whom I wish to become…if only because staring into this abyss of my making reminds me how much of a fraud I feel at this time…

Fuck my frustration…

Fuck my stagnation….

Fuck my constant procrastination…

Oh, look at the strange boy!
He finds it hard existing…

Sometimes I think the above Spandau Ballet lyric describes me perfectly…

….talk about spiritual constipation….


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5 Responses to Escribed From Ennui….

  1. kasku says:

    Wow. Well for what it’s worth, I think you rule. At least you actually *do* think. It’s a lot more than can be said for about 80% of the population.

    • MRDA says:

      Thanks, kasku….but I really need to get my act together if all my thinking’s gonna come to anything…or else what’s the point?
      How are you managing with things at the minute?

  2. kaitain says:

    Inner struggle
    These words resonate within me.

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